To prepare for the new year, I always spend the days between Christmas and January 1st reflecting on my year. 2018 was hands-down the worst year of my life. God, the universe, everything really destroyed me.

I like to think I’m a good person that literally doesn’t bother anyone and yet, God or whoever decided to push me so low that I wholeheartedly was convinced God wanted me to die. I just couldn’t think of why all these devastating things kept happening to me. Even with the sprinkles of good times, there was always an immediate calamity to remind not to get so comfortable. The phrase, “when it rains, it pours” was the definition of my 2018. This year was unnecessarily difficult and I had lost my faith in God.

As much as prayed and cried and begged God he chose to belittle and embarrass me further and make, literally, my worst nightmares come true. I constantly reassessed my every action to try and remember what sin had I committed, who did I hurt so bad that I deserved this suffering. When I couldn’t come up with anything, I not only lost faith in God but I became so angry at Him.

The worst part about all of this was that I had no one to talk to about all it. Of course I had a few friends that I could talk to about our collective depression and sadness but everything was mostly on the surface. Just like in this post, I could never really go into detail about what specific events I was suffering through just that I was really sad. So between home, work, and on the Internet, I put on a brave, happy, and fun face. Pretending to be OK is just so exhausting but I continue because at the end of the day no one really cares or has time to care about you when they’re dealing with their own life.

Even with all that, as I entered the new year I somehow still found myself speaking to God and begging him like before to change things in my favor. I’m really trying my best to stay optimistic and faithful, constantly repeating to myself those posts I see on Instagram about God breaking you to build you, God’s preparing you for something great etc. And I know many faithful Christians often quote the scriptures that remind people like me that in times of struggle is when our faith should be stronger but IT IS SO HARD. But I will try.

My overall New Year’s Resolution is to focus on things in my life I can control, most importantly my thoughts. Even though I’m miserable I want to try my hand at this whole “positive thinking” thing.